By Request

It has been requested that I cover the Oscars, which I did with typical diligence watch last night. I'm not quite sure what is expected of me to say, but I was assured that whatever it would be is sure to be amusing. Of that, I'm not so sure. However, dear Sarah, for you, and only you. I am accustomed to watching the Oscars in large groups. I have thrown a party, or at least a gathering, every year for this event since well, I don't remember. There is voting, food and complaining and impatient boys, who nevertheless gamely participate. Mostly, I suspect, because I promise my girlfriends will attend. There is much I can induce those boys into with the promise of females and food. Which comes first in their minds, I do not know. I do try not to abuse this manipulative power; I'd feel guilty, but they know exactly what I'm up to.

Alas, this year I have broken my tradition. Not willingly, but I wasn't about to invite random strangers off the street into my apartment, and with the exception of my co-workers, (who at least are not random) strangers are all I know. Besides, shouldn't Jon Stewart be enough? I have learned that the Oscars are really quite boring when watching alone. There's nothing to do but suffer through them in silence when there is a lack of another personality in the room with whom to cringe at Ben Stiller with, ponder Tom Hanks involvement, and gasp at the jeans-wearing rappers taking away the statue. Idly observing to myself that Kiera Knightley's dress was the most becoming; that Naomi Watts' looked as though she'd had an unfortunate encounter with a blender in the limo; that Paul Giamatti will eventually win, someday, just isn't stimulating enough. I found myself playing solitaire on my computer, much to Darling Dan's astoundment when he called complaining that Ben was guessing the winners better than he. I suspect that he was watching specifically to continue my tradition and to be able to call me and comfort my loneliness. That is why he is Darling. Of course, if I'm wrong, feel free to fess up in the comments, Dan.

Stewart was far less entertaining than usual. The comical highlight may well have been the Lily Tomlin/Meryl Streep bit announcing Robert Altman's special award. They were in need of a slight edit for length purposes, but on whole seemed more comfortable than anyone else to cross that stage that night. Why is it that people who get paid millions of dollars to memorize lines and to go in front of people have such a hard time reading from the telepromter? You'd think they'd take ten minutes and just memorize four lines and sound like humans. I especially wonder what was wrong with Lauren Bacall, she was kinda sad. I don't think she could see her lines or something. It just made her seem old. The segments Stewart did that were pre-arranged, such as the talent attack add which was something along the lines of "Charlize Theron covers up with ugly, while Kiera Knightley dares to be beautiful - vote Kiera." George Clooney had the best speech, followed by Reese Witherspoon, but I may just not remember anyone else's due to boredom or solitaire. I hope that the Academy gives Stewart another chance, I'm sure that he would be even better next time. What did I do after the show? Watched Pride & Prejudice for the third time this weekend. Ah, my riveting and exciting life. Blame Sarah.